Breaking the Cycle: How Unhealed Childhood Trauma Affects Adult Relationships
Are you repeating the cycle of the relationship you had with your caregiver in childhood now as an adult?
Chances are, you probably are, and you don’t even know it. Let’s explore some signs of how unhealed childhood trauma can affect your adult relationships – and what I did to leave them behind!
Fear of Judgment: One of the first signs is a fear of judgment. You fear being criticized, so you keep yourself guarded. You don’t express yourself fully or communicate what you’re thinking, feeling, wanting, or needing. This fear of ridicule keeps you from being vulnerable, leading to low self-esteem and a constant need to protect yourself.
To contrast this, I think it’s key to start practicing self-compassion – which may be super hard at first because, most likely, you’re the first one being rough on yourself, but you have to remind yourself that it’s okay to have needs and desires. Be kind to yourself!
Start communicating a bit more, sharing your thoughts and feelings with someone you trust.
You can also use affirmations that feel right to you at this moment to boost your self-esteem and reduce fear of criticism. It starts with you!
Trust Issues: Trust issues often stem from a lack of bonding with caregivers in childhood. Feelings of abandonment and neglect create a barrier to trusting others in adulthood. This lack of trust keeps you guarded, always ready to protect yourself from potential harm.
You can build trust gradually by taking small steps to trust others and allow them to earn your trust over time. You could also consider with a life coach to work through trust issues and past trauma, and learn to establish clear boundaries to feel safe and secure in relationships.
People-Pleasing: Many adults with unhealed childhood trauma become people pleasers. They do whatever it takes to make others happy, even at their own expense. This behavior is rooted in the need to gain approval and avoid conflict, often learned from trying to stay under their caregivers’ radar in childhood to avoid being mistreated.
Now that you’ve acknowledged it, make time for activities that make you happy and fulfilled, prioritizing self-care moments throughout the day. Practice saying “no” to things that don’t align with your values or well-being. If it isn’t a hell yes then it’s a hell no. Surround yourself with supportive people who respect your boundaries and time.
Avoiding Intimacy: Avoiding intimacy is another common sign you can watch out for. Without normal bonds and attachments in childhood, adults may struggle with physical and emotional closeness. Past experiences of neglect or abuse can make intimacy feel unsafe and vulnerable.
It doesn’t have to be like that forever! It may take time and effort, but you can try to increase physical and emotional closeness with trusted individuals slowly, at your own pace. Let your partner know your comfort levels and boundaries, and maybe seek therapy or energy-healing practices to address intimacy issues and past abuse.
Settling for Unhealthy Relationships: Adults with unhealed childhood trauma often settle for unhealthy relationships. They choose partners who mimic the dynamics they experienced in childhood, even if it’s detrimental to their well-being. This familiarity feels safe, even though it’s harmful, so opposite to what happens to people with healthy patterns and relationship dynamics, if you feel too comfortable or recognize certain actions that you used to see at home, reevaluate that bond!
Make space to be honest with yourself, and identify and acknowledge unhealthy relationship patterns that you might want to break. Work on building your self-esteem and understanding your worth, and seek relationships that are supportive, respectful, and nurturing.
Conflict Avoidance or Overfighting: Conflict in relationships can go two ways: avoiding it altogether or overfighting. Some avoid conflict to prevent triggering past trauma, while others overfight, using aggression as a defense mechanism. Both behaviors stem from childhood experiences and learned communication patterns.
To overcome this, learn and practice healthy communication techniques. Take deep breaths to stay calm during conflicts. Most of conflicts, if you pay close attention, come from gut reactions, reactivity, and because there’s no space to understand one another. Focus on developing emotional intelligence and skills to resolve conflicts constructively.
That being said, we now have a clearer understanding of how unhealed childhood trauma can significantly impact adult relationships, manifesting in a wide variety of ways. Recognizing these patterns is the first step towards healing and breaking the cycle. If you resonate with these signs, consider getting help to work through your trauma to build healthier relationships.
I’m Kim Keane, coach and energy healer, and I’d love to help you transform your life, your relationships and ultimately build a path toward a loving, peaceful life. DM me or email me at kim@kimkeane.com if you want to get personalized support, download my Free Everyday Spirituality Handbook or get my EFT Tapping Booster Session to continue making progress on your healing journey!