Building Up Instead of Tearing Down: Understanding the Dynamics of Insecurity and Self-Esteem

In our interactions with others, we often encounter situations where people try to tear us down instead of building us up. This behavior is usually rooted in their own insecurities and low self-esteem. We may have been that person and didn’t even notice. Understanding this dynamic can help us navigate interactions more effectively and foster a more supportive environment. Let’s dive deeper into it!

When someone tears another person down, it’s often because they are dealing with some form of insecurity or dissatisfaction with themselves, and usually, it has little to nothing to do with the other person. This could be related to their feelings, appearance, or past experiences. They see something in your life that they desire but feel they cannot attain. They resort to negative comments and actions instead of complimenting you and acknowledging your achievements.

This is what we call ‘The Illusion of the Bigger House’. Imagine your self-esteem as a house. When you achieve something or receive a compliment, your house gets bigger because a ‘brick’ is added. People with low self-esteem feel threatened by this growth. They fear that their house will remain small in comparison, so they try to make your house seem smaller by tearing you down. This behavior is a misguided attempt to make themselves feel better.

The trick here is that, in reality, building someone else up can also enhance your own self-esteem. When you support and uplift others, you create a positive environment that benefits everyone. Both houses can grow together, leading to mutual growth and satisfaction. However, the fear of being overshadowed often prevents people from taking this approach.

In practice, consider the example of an abusive relationship. An abusive partner may use verbal insults to tear down their partner’s self-esteem, making themselves feel superior in the process, and feel more in control. This dynamic creates a cycle of dependency and low self-worth for the victim. Another example is a high school friendship where one friend feels envious of the other’s relationship. Instead of celebrating their friend’s happiness, they make hurtful comments to diminish their friend’s self-esteem. This behavior stems from their own feelings of inadequacy and jealousy.

If someone is trying to tear you down, it’s important to remember that it’s not really about you. It’s about their own insecurities and perceived flaws. They feel intimidated by your achievements and are unable to celebrate your success. Instead, they try to build themselves up by tearing you down.

If you’re on the other side of this and find yourself engaging in this behavior, take a moment to reflect on what triggered it. Do you feel like someone else has something you lack? Are you envious of their achievements, position, manners/presence, or relationships? Identifying the root cause of your feelings can help you address them constructively. Trust me, you don’t want to be that person. Instead, I’m sure that engaging in positive and supportive behavior can help you feel bigger, special, and confident. Put your focus there and notice how quickly the grass gets greener on your side of the fence too.

To stop the cycle of tearing others down, focus on building each other up. Celebrate the successes of those around you and offer genuine compliments. When you uplift others, you create a positive environment that fosters mutual growth and self-esteem.

Understanding the dynamics of insecurity and self-esteem can help us navigate our interactions with others more effectively. By focusing on building each other up instead of tearing each other down, we can create a supportive environment where everyone can thrive – and yes, there’s enough room for everyone! Remember, it’s not about making someone else’s house smaller; it’s about building a community where all houses are big, stunning and can grow together.

I’m Kim Keane, coach and energy healer, and I’d love to help you transform your life, your relationships and ultimately build a path toward a loving, peaceful life. DM me or email me at kim@kimkeane.com if you want to get personalized support, download my Free Everyday Spirituality Handbook or get my EFT Tapping Booster Session to continue making progress on your healing journey!

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The Chameleon Effect: Adapting After Childhood Trauma

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Breaking the Cycle: How Unhealed Childhood Trauma Affects Adult Relationships