The Chameleon Effect: Adapting After Childhood Trauma
Childhood trauma can profoundly impact our beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world. It often leads us to think that we are inherently bad, that others are untrustworthy, and that the world is a dangerous place. These thoughts, learned from our early experiences, are not always true. By examining their sources, we can begin to discern what is true and what is not.
Many of us grow up believing that anything less than perfect is a failure. This relentless pursuit of perfection, which is unattainable, leads to self-sacrifice and a constant feeling of inadequacy. We become chameleons, adapting to different situations to avoid rejection. This adaptability, while useful in some contexts, can prevent us from being our true selves.
In my first Reiki session in 2016, the practitioner noted my ability to be a chameleon. This skill, developed to navigate different environments safely, kept me from being vulnerable and allowed me to be included. However, it also meant hiding my true self, dimming my light, and not shining as brightly as I could. The constant need for perfection and fear of rejection zaps our sense of self-worth, preventing others from seeing who we truly are.
Childhood trauma often teaches us that relationships are dangerous. “If those who were supposed to keep us safe failed, how can we trust others?” This belief extends to strangers, reinforcing the idea that the outside world is unsafe. This lack of trust stems from past experiences where people did not fulfill their promises or were not there when needed. As adults, we can recognize red flags and warning signs, but the underlying fear remains.
Expressing our feelings can also feel unsafe. Growing up, I experienced this firsthand. My parent’s divorce and my father’s subsequent relationship with a woman who changed our household dynamics made me feel unheard and unimportant. This led to a long period of self-silencing, fearing that expressing my needs and feelings would be futile.
Even as adults, we encounter situations that reinforce these negative beliefs. In college, my enthusiasm for learning and participation was stifled by a professor who told me not to raise my hand first, as it intimidated others. This feedback led me to silence myself again, believing that my voice made others uncomfortable. However, it is not our responsibility to manage others’ discomfort with our self-expression.
Negative beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world, foster dependence on those who perpetuate these beliefs, and the cycle goes on and on. This dependence gives them control over us, keeping us from being independent and exploring the world as our true selves. To break free, we must challenge these beliefs, starting with those about ourselves.
Changing negative self-beliefs can be empowering. Once we make progress, we can address our beliefs about others and the world. These outdated beliefs no longer serve us and prevent us from owning our strength and stepping forward as our true selves. If I had to do it all over again, this is what I’d do to let go of all the horrendous beliefs that kept me from being authentic:
Identify Negative Beliefs: Reflect on your thoughts and identify negative core beliefs about yourself, others, and the world. Understand where these beliefs come from and how they were formed. Most of the time, those beliefs are not longer serving, in case they once were.
Challenge the Beliefs: Question the validity of these beliefs and look for evidence that contradicts them. Ex: “I can’t trust anyone” - Is this true? Name people that never let you down and you’ll find at least a couple of them. This will show you how that belief is not true anymore and you can start transforming it into something healthier.
Replace with Positive Beliefs: Develop and reinforce more positive and realistic beliefs about yourself and others.
Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself and recognize that everyone makes mistakes and has flaws. In previous posts, I share how to do it and how important this is.
Seek Support: Talk to a therapist, coach, energy healer, friend, or join support groups to gain insights and encouragement. IMPORTANT: Look for quality support. Not everyone can be a great support for someone dealing with childhood trauma. You need a positive, compassionate and understanding environment to be there with you.
Set Realistic Goals: Focus on achievable goals and celebrate small victories to build confidence.
Mindfulness and Meditation: Practice mindfulness to stay present and reduce anxiety about the past or future. There are tons of ways, some are more fun than others, but all are useful. Try some and you’ll find the ideal one for you!
Express Your Feelings: Find safe ways to express your emotions, such as journaling or talking to a trusted friend, and then, try building trust gradually. Start by trusting yourself and then extend that trust to others in small, manageable steps.
Childhood trauma shapes our beliefs and behaviors in profound ways. By understanding and challenging these beliefs, we can begin to heal and reclaim our sense of self-worth. It is a journey of self-discovery and empowerment, allowing us to shine brightly and authentically in the world.
I’m Kim Keane, coach and energy healer, and I’d love to help you transform your life, your relationships and ultimately build a path toward a loving, peaceful life. DM me or email me at kim@kimkeane.com if you want to get personalized support, download my Free Everyday Spirituality Handbook or get my EFT Tapping Booster Session to continue making progress on your healing journey!