How to Stop Being Codependent

I’ll never forget when my therapist asked me if I knew what codependency was. I told her I didn’t because I’d never heard that word before.

She explained that it’s when you take on other people’s emotions. Based on that I could see why she would think I was codependent.

By the time I’d gotten home from that session and jumped back into the swing of mom life and taking care of my daughters, I’d forgotten all about it.

The next morning though it popped back into my mind as I was finishing up with vacuuming and preparing to go to Lilly’s winter show at her preschool.

I decided to google, ‘codependency’ to see what else I could learn.

In an instant, I regretted that decision.

I found a checklist and could check yes to all of the boxes.

The more I read, I learned that families with a history of alcoholism, drug addiction, and abuse are more likely to have codependent tendencies.

FML!

My grandmother on my dad’s side was raised by two alcoholic parents. My mom’s side of the family has a long history of drug addiction, alcoholism, and mental, emotional, physical, and sexual abuse. Can we say dysfunction with a Capital D?!

Double whammy!

I immediately became consumed with anxiety and was infuriated that my family would continue to bring human beings into this world to continue the cycle of dysfunction and trauma. I thought, “how could they?!”

Unintentionally, I was doing the same thing with my girls and in my marriage.

I was carrying the burden of other people's problems. I was doing what other people expected of me at the expense of my own wants and needs. I was constantly seeking approval from my husband, parents, and friends. I didn’t trust myself and was also not very trusting of others since I’d been let down so many times before.

My husband was so frustrated and confused. He felt like he constantly walked on eggshells. Even though my daughters were little and probably too young to fully understand how toxic my behavior was, I was teaching them how to engage in these unhealthy behaviors.

I made the decision right then and there that I was going to put an end to it. Codependency wasn’t going to plague us any longer.

I felt really powerful even though I was scared shitless.

I had no idea how I was going to make it happen.

When I went to see my therapist the next week, I asked her for help and direction with pulling off my new mission. Her suggestions left me feeling so confused and helpless.

Ready for it?

She said to pretend that I was spraying myself with an invisible can of anti-stick cooking spray so codependency couldn’t stick to me. It would slide right off. If that didn’t work, I could cut the strings of codependency with invisible scissors to keep them from attaching to me.

Like what in the holy hell was she talking about?!

First, I had no idea how to visualize. Second and probably more importantly, I had no idea when I was being codependent.

How in the world was I going to know when to bust out these invisible tools to make things change? I wouldn’t. By the time I knew codependency had its ironclad grip on me, it was too late. I was so far down the codependency rabbit hole that no amount of invisible visualizing was going to save me.

If anything was going to work, I had to figure out how to get in front of the codependency.

Here’s where I started:

I had to begin practicing mindfulness even though I didn’t have a name for it at this point. I had to notice what I was feeling and thinking when I was being codependent. Typically, I was taking on the thoughts and feelings of the people around me. It was like we’d become one person rather than separate individuals.

I had to pay attention to how I was behaving towards the people I was being codependent with and myself. I really had to stop and notice what was going on around me. This was keeping me grounded in the present moment. I could no longer stuff things down, ignore them, and pretend everything was A-OK.

In the beginning, doing any one of these things felt almost impossible because I was running on autopilot and YEARS of programming and conditioning handed down to me by my caregivers. I certainly couldn’t reflect on these things in the heat of the moment. Sometimes, I didn’t even realize it happened until several days later and that was based only on a comment that my husband made about what he saw.

I wanted to crack the code so badly. I decided that the only way I might be able to do it would be to write all of this down in my journal. It allowed me to say what was on my mind in a safe, nonjudgmental place without the need to have anything figured out.

Writing each situation down helped because I would go back and look at earlier examples and start noticing patterns not only in my own behavior, thoughts, and feelings, but I was able to recognize the patterns that my family members had.

It also gave me a glimpse into the origins of the trauma that was experienced. I had some perspective into the challenges they faced and how this shaped their reactions to similar experiences, their beliefs and thoughts, and how their relationships with other family members were formed and impacted.

The picture was becoming more and more clear. I couldn’t ignore it any longer.

Now I could be more prepared to start putting a stop to the things that I was doing when they were getting started instead of having days pass by.

It was time to start editing the story of my future, my daughters’ futures, and the future for the next generations to enter our family.

When it comes to being a cycle breaker and healing any form of trauma whether it’s generational trauma or childhood trauma, recognizing the way it’s affecting your behavior and life is the key to beginning the journey of acknowledging the issues and working towards positive changes.

When it feels like you can’t go on any longer and you think you want to say F@*! IT, remember that you’re so incredibly brave for confronting the pain, breaking the chains of generational trauma, and striving to create a brighter future for your family.