Inner Child Work: The Key To Healing Childhood Trauma

Generational trauma is when the consequences and effects of a traumatic event get passed down to the next generation. It’s not typically passed down intentionally. Oftentimes our caregivers are not aware that their unhealed trauma is affecting the choices they make, the beliefs they have, and how they act towards themselves, their children, and others. As children, we watch and listen to all of this. We start to adopt their thoughts and beliefs as our own.

This leads to anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling helpless, and carrying a lot of guilt.

The real kicker is that these feelings are no different from what most moms feel due to the pressure to do it all and have it all.

Add healing generational trauma to the list and it feels like climbing Mt. Everest in the dead of winter wearing flip-flops.

This feeling is true for one of my clients who just discovered how generational trauma is affecting her after a really tough conversation with her mom. She was blamed for all the things that had gone wrong within their family from her parents’ divorce, to the estranged relationship between her sister and her, and the wedge that was driven between her and her mother when her stepfather entered their lives. She struggled to understand how her mom could use her as the scapegoat for all the hurtful things that had happened. This wasn’t the first time her mother belittled her like this.

It was so hard for her to comprehend how a mother could do that to her daughter.

Her mother’s choices, thoughts, and actions are a result of the traumatic experiences that happened during her childhood and marriages. She hasn’t done anything to heal these wounds. Because of this, the past continues to trickle down and have a negative impact on my client and the rest of her family including her children.

Even though the weight of breaking the cycle and doing the personal growth work feels like a weight too heavy to carry for my client, she knows it’s a must. She’s determined to enjoy her life, to be able to stand up for herself and not be everyone’s doormat, and to know that she can choose how she allows things to impact her.

If you’re ready to reclaim your happiness, set boundaries, and change things for the future too, one of the most powerful ways to do this is by doing inner child work.

WHAT IS INNER CHILD WORK?

Everyone has an inner child. It’s part of your subconscious mind and has been acting like a sponge soaking up the messages and knowledge that have been shared and experienced throughout your life including memories, emotions, and thoughts.

Connecting with our inner child can help us understand how our behavior as an adult stems from our negative childhood experiences and the emotional and mental scars that formed from our response to what happened. These tend to show up in our lives as temper tantrums and overreactions, parenting our own children in ways that could be considered highly toxic, and staying in relationships that are painful and unhealthy. We can be guarded and keep people at a distance because being vulnerable exposes us to the possibility of being hurt, shamed, and rejected again. We can also be at the mercy of others and be overly dependent on them to make us feel seen, heard, and validated.

Experiencing the pain of abuse and neglect was horrific enough the first time. Our inner child is working tirelessly to keep us safe and protected, so we don’t have to go through anything like that again.

When we bond with our inner child, we can start to notice which of our needs weren’t met and allow ourselves to meet those needs now. This can be especially helpful as we care for our children because we can reparent ourselves while parenting our children, meeting our children’s needs and those of our inner child at the same time. As we do this, our rage, temper tantrums, and overreactions will be replaced with behavior that is more calm, grounded, and responsive.

THE INNER CHILD HEALING PROCESS

The first step to healing your inner child is to identify them. This can be a challenge. People often don’t believe that they have an inner child because it feels unrealistic to think that there is this little kid version of you hiding somewhere within yourself. It just seems too far-fetched. It can also be difficult to figure out what age your inner child is since any memories of the terrible things that happened are suppressed or forgotten. It leaves us with a feeling of where do we even begin.

It’s easiest to start in the infancy stage of development since each development stage builds on the one before it.

Starting with when you were an infant, we have to go back and acknowledge the trauma and needs that weren’t met during this time period of your life. This will allow us to decide the nourishment and support our inner child needs so we can allow the past to be grieved and released.

The remaining developmental stages, which include the toddler self, the preschool self, the school-age self, and the adolescence self, will also be explored in the same way once the wounded infant self has been reclaimed and healed with compassion and grace.

The other key piece to remember when beginning to heal your wounded inner child is to acknowledge that your parents aren’t bad and they did the best they could because they were being guided by their own wounded inner child. This does not mean we’re excusing their behavior but instead, we’re considering the motives behind the choices they made.

TOOLS AND TECHNIQUES FOR INNER CHILD WORK

As you explore each developmental stage of your wounded inner child there are a variety of tools and techniques you can use to connect with them and assist them as you help them heal.

Technique #1 - Letter Writing:
The first technique is to write a letter from your inner child to your adult self by imagining yourself as you were at that developmental age and using your non-dominant hand to write the letter by explaining what is needed, how they’re feeling, and their appreciation for your help on this journey. You can then respond to your inner child’s letter as your adult self using your dominant hand to write the letter by acknowledging what your inner child shared with you.

If you don’t remember what you looked like at a certain developmental age, it can be helpful to have a picture of yourself from that time period. If you don’t have a photograph to help you connect with your childhood self, you can imagine that child has come to you and is sharing the information with you.

Technique #2 - Journaling:
This can be a really powerful tool when doing inner child healing work. It creates a non-judgmental, safe space for expressing thoughts and emotions rather than stuffing them down and avoiding them. It can also be uplifting to reflect on all that you’ve experienced and managed to survive through.

If you decide to journal as a way to work through the memories and emotions that come to the surface, be sure to create a safe space where you won’t be interrupted. When you begin writing try not to censor yourself or go back to re-read as you write to make edits and changes. Just let the words flow onto the page as freely as possible. It’s important to read what you’ve expressed so you can be present with what you’re currently experiencing. It’s also important to have a plan in place in case you become overwhelmed by what comes up for you as you journal. Taking deep breaths can be incredibly helpful.

Technique #3 - Meditations
Meditation can be another great tool for healing your wounded inner child. When meditating, it can allow you to connect with your inner child creating a line of communication between you both. It can also be helpful for developing strategies to respond in the present moment when your inner child is triggered.

Remember inner child work is a process. It is not a one-time thing that will magically heal your wounds and make life feel predictable and controlled. You have to do the work to feel the benefits. As your life improves and things feel more hopeful, possible, and lighter, your children will feel this too.

The benefits that your children experience will exceed the day-to-day happenings and continue well into their future, the future of their children, and all of the generations to come. Each generation will be eternally grateful because of the positive impact it will have on their lives. They will be able to cope with stress better, have healthier relationships with themselves and others. They will also be less likely to suffer from depression or develop substance abuse issues.

*Note: the information in this blog post is not intended to replace any therapy or other mental health services you are receiving. Stop immediately if at any point you become overwhelmed with emotion and seek help from a professional.