Breaking Free from the Chains of Control: A Journey to Letting Go
Do you ever feel like it's your way or the highway all the time? If so, you may be relying on an intense need for control as a survival strategy. This is something I grappled with for a long time, often without even realizing it. My desire to control everything and everyone around me was a misguided attempt to protect my loved ones from harm but, spoiler alert: The result was far from that!
Being stuck in survival mode can make you believe that controlling every aspect of your life will help you avoid chaos and pain. I was so deep into this mindset that I couldn't see beyond my need to micromanage. It wasn't until I began my personal development journey years later that I understood the futility of my actions. It turns out that trying to control every outcome is an impossible task.
This is the Illusion of Control
While we can certainly influence our surroundings, absolute control over every situation is a myth. I learned this the hard way when I realized that my children were destined to have their own experiences, separate from mine. Attempting to micromanage their lives and the lives of those around them only led to increased stress and strained relationships.
My intentions were pure, that’s for sure. I wanted to shield my children from trauma. I believed that if I controlled what everyone said and did around them, I could keep them safe. However, the reality is that our children need to navigate their own paths, including all the ups and downs. My overbearing nature ended up causing more harm than good, perpetuating the very trauma I sought to avoid.
And it happens. It’s completely unavoidable sometimes. For instance, I remember that time when my daughter Lilly was in preschool. Those seemingly innocuous family projects became battlegrounds for control. I wanted everything done my way, but Lilly, with her strong personality, had her own ideas. Our clashes often ended in tears and frustration, undermining the supportive environment I aimed to create.
At the root of my need for control was fear—fear of unpredictability and fear of being blindsided. This constant state of anxiety is a common response to past traumas. We convince ourselves that by controlling every detail, we can avoid surprises and stay prepared for any outcome. However, this relentless pursuit of control only perpetuates the anxiety, creating a vicious cycle that leaves us feeling even more vulnerable and stressed. True peace comes from acknowledging what we can influence and learning to let go of the rest, trusting that we can handle whatever life throws our way. This shift in mindset allows us to experience life more fully, with all its uncertainties and surprises, and to grow stronger and more resilient through the process, but at the moment, I really had no clue how to do that.
Reflecting on my high school years, I recall a particularly toxic relationship where control was a dominant force. My boyfriend at the time felt a compulsive need to be with me 24/7, fearing he would lose me if he weren't constantly present. This relationship dynamic mirrored the controlling behavior I exhibited later in life, driven by similar fears.
Carrying this need for control into adulthood, I found myself attempting to micromanage my household to prevent my daughters from experiencing trauma. However, this approach backfired. To break the cycle, I had to shift my focus to what I could genuinely control: my actions, thoughts, and emotions.
There's a significant difference between control and influence, and understanding it is a great starting point if you want to engage in more respectful dynamics. Control often involves manipulation and intimidation, which are unhealthy. Influence, however, is about guiding and supporting others without imposing your will. It's about creating an environment where everyone can thrive independently.
So how do you step out of survival mode and let go of the need for control?
Step 1: Start by preparing mentally for various scenarios. Think ahead and plan your responses to different situations without trying to micromanage every detail. This approach helps you feel prepared and reduces anxiety.
Step 2: Letting go of control doesn't mean embracing chaos. It's about fostering autonomy in yourself and others, creating a healthier dynamic. This approach empowers everyone to experience life more fully, facing challenges and embracing opportunities with resilience and openness. It encourages growth, strengthens relationships, and fosters a stronger sense of trust and support within your circle. By allowing each person the space to navigate their own path, we create an environment where true personal development can flourish, leading to a more harmonious and fulfilling life for everyone involved.
Step 3: Letting go of control is a journey, not a destination. It's about creating a supportive, healthy environment where everyone can flourish. Take a deep breath, trust the process, and allow yourself and those around you to navigate life’s challenges independently. You've got this!
Remember, this journey is a marathon, not a sprint. Take time for yourself and learn your ways so you can work on a better version of yourself for the future. Your future self and all the ones that love you will be thankful for it. This is about progress, not perfection!
I’m Kim Keane, coach and energy healer, and I’d love to help you transform your life, your relationships and ultimately build a path toward a loving, peaceful life. DM me or email me at kim@kimkeane.com if you want to get personalized support, download my Free Everyday Spirituality Handbook or get my EFT Tapping Booster Session to continue making progress on your healing journey!