Master The Art of Spending Time With Yourself
As a coach and a mom, I have always emphasized the importance of self-love, self-care, and empowerment. However, there are moments in life when even the most confident and resilient individuals find themselves struggling with feelings of loneliness and self-doubt, especially when they don’t know how to be alone. One such moment for me was when a friend unexpectedly had to leave our shopping/lunch outing, leaving me feeling alone and abandoned.
It may sound excessive but in that moment, I couldn't help but internalize the experience, questioning whether there was something inherently wrong with me that made my friend leave. These feelings of loneliness and self-doubt began to weigh heavily on my heart, triggering deep-rooted emotions (here’s the full story). Little did I know that the guilt and insecurities were remnants of a past relationship that had left me physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially scarred.
The thing is that poor self-awareness, insecurities and codependency are the perfect mix for a lot of damage and when we fill our time by spending time with other people (family, friends, partners, etc.) we don’t have time or space to sit alone with ourselves, realize that we have these issues and find ways to solve them. The COVID-19 pandemic made a lot of people deal with this exact situation because lockdowns forced people to be alone for huge amounts of time and many people started questioning their lives, healing old wounds and reconnecting with old hobbies that do not depend on other people but ourselves.
The journey towards overcoming these feelings of loneliness, self-doubt, and guilt was not an easy one for me. It required introspection, self-reflection, and a willingness to confront the demons of my past in order to create a more positive future for myself, which impacted positively my relationship with my husband and even served as an example for my daughters. Here are some tips that helped me navigate through the storm and emerge stronger, and may also help you:
1. Acknowledge Your Feelings: The first step towards healing your inability to be alone is acknowledging your emotions and accepting them without judgment. It's okay to feel lonely and guilty sometimes, but it's important to recognize that these feelings do not define your worth as a person.
2. Challenge Negative Beliefs: Negative thoughts will creep in, especially when they’re triggered by new experiences that contradict what is already familiar to you. Challenge them with positive affirmations and reminders of your inherent value. Replace self-criticism with self-compassion and watch how your mindset begins to shift. Many of us grew up learning to put ourselves last but you deserve to fully enjoy yourself, even if there’s no one else to share the moment with.
3. Seek Support: Be bold and reach out to friends, family, or a therapist for support and new perspectives. Talking about your feelings with someone you trust can help you gain perspective and find solace in knowing that you, actually, are not alone.
4. Practice Self-Care: Prioritize self-care activities that nourish your mind, body, and soul. Whether it's meditation, journaling, exercise, or simply taking a moment to breathe deeply, make time for activities that bring you peace and joy. A huge moment of realization for me was acknowledging that I didn’t have hobbies that I could enjoy by myself, especially after being a mom and a wife for some time, I found myself feeling guilty for spending money and time on myself and not including them. Dismantling these beliefs helped me heal and look at the picture from a more empowered perspective.
5. Set Boundaries: Learn to set boundaries with yourself and others to protect your mental and emotional well-being. Surround yourself with people who uplift and support you, and let go of those who bring negativity into your life. People who truly love you will motivate you to find independence, joy and empowerment within yourself. That, in turn, will help you complement each other and not get trapped into a codependent cycle.
6. Let Go of Guilt: Release yourself from the burden of guilt by forgiving yourself for past mistakes and letting go of self-blame. Remember that you deserve happiness, independence and abundance just as much as anyone else. If you’re happy blessing others with your presence, time, resources and abilities, make sure that you’re giving all of that to yourself as well. (Be careful with people-pleasing tendencies!)
7. Embrace Solitude: Shift your perspective on being alone from a negative experience to an opportunity for self-discovery and growth. Instead of “having” to be alone, see it as “getting” to spend time with yourself. Use this time to connect with yourself on a deeper level, explore your interests and personality, and cultivate a greater sense of identity and inner peace.
By taking small steps towards self-healing and self-compassion, you can break free from the chains of past trauma and embrace a future filled with love, joy and fulfillment. Remember that being alone does not equate to being unworthy or unlovable – it is an opportunity to reconnect with yourself and rediscover the strength and resilience that lie within you.
Embrace solitude as a gift rather than a curse, and watch how it transforms your life in ways you never thought possible.
I’m Kim Keane, coach, speaker and holistic healer, and I want to help you expand your perspective toward healing and self-worth.