From Over Explainer to Calm Communicator: My Journey and How You Can Do It Too
You know that feeling when you're just spilling your guts all over the place? Yeah, I used to have what I call "diarrhea of the mouth." It was like I couldn't stop explaining, justifying, and over-explaining everything, as if I owed it to anyone but making it worse every time I opened my mouth. And let me tell you, it's exhausting!
If you’ve gone through it or you’re a compulsive over-explainer, you definitely know the feeling and probably just want to stop doing it. Please come with me to learn why it happens and how to prevent it forever.
This whole over-explaining thing started for me back in high school. I was constantly accused of things by my ex-boyfriend – if you’re a regular visitor of this blog, you already know the deal – which made me feel like I had to justify every single action. He was the one doing wrong, but he deflected his guilt onto me. This behavior didn't just stop with him—it carried over into my relationship with my dad. I always felt like I was under a microscope: Who was I hanging out with? What was I wearing? When would I be back? It was like a never-ending interrogation, and it wasn’t the caring and protective type, in case you were wondering. It was complicated and I felt the need to justify myself to avoid being labeled a "smart mouth," which often led to being grounded.
Over-explaining was my defense mechanism.
By laying all my cards on the table, I felt like I could control the narrative and stay one step ahead. If I explained everything in detail, there would be no surprises and I wouldn’t be blindsided, right? Wrong! This sense of control was just an illusion. The truth is, we can't control how others react to our "diarrhea of the mouth." We can share everything, but we can't predict their thoughts, feelings, or actions.
This rapidly became a pattern for life, and it showed up everywhere. In college, my projects were always overly thorough. I'd cover every possible detail to brace myself against criticism or bad grades. My professors would even ask why I was going above and beyond. The answer? Fear of not being thorough enough.
At home, it continued with my husband. After spending the day with our daughters, I'd give him a running itinerary of our day the moment he walked through the door. He'd ask why I felt the need to share every nitty-gritty detail, and it hit me like a truck—I didn't want him to think I was doing something wrong. It was exhausting, and it took a toll on both of us.
Breaking free from this habit wasn't easy. It took time to understand why I was doing it and recognize that I didn't need to explain myself to anyone. I had to learn that sharing what was necessary and nothing more was enough. It felt awkward and uncomfortable at first, but the more I practiced, the more natural it became.
But Why Do People Over-Explain?
Over-explaining is not something we do consciously and could be because of a few key reasons, most of them related to deeply rooted past trauma or childhood trauma. Some of the reasons you should be aware of:
Fear of Judgment: Worrying about being misunderstood or judged, so we tend to lay it all out to avoid negative opinions.
Past Trauma: Experiences with critical or abusive situations can make over-explaining a defense mechanism.
Lack of Confidence: People often seek validation by explaining every detail, hoping to feel more secure and gain positive feedback from their counterparts.
Desire for Control: Giving as much information as humanly possible in a conversation, might give a false sense of control over the situation and how others perceive you.
People-Pleasing: Wanting everyone to be happy and understand (the people-pleaser) completely.
Habit: It becomes a routine response over the years.
Anxiety: Some people try to mitigate worries by explaining everything.
Miscommunication: Past misunderstandings lead some to over-explain, trying to ensure clarity.
If you're stuck in the over-explaining cycle and now you’re kinda understanding the reason, you must also know that it is exhausting and, believe it or not, creates a strong state of hypervigilance, which is a trauma response you don't need. Letting go of over-explaining can reduce your stress and help you feel more at ease.
Moving Forward
If you find yourself over-explaining, the first step is to pause and identify the underlying reasons for this behavior. Reflect on whether you're anxious, seeking validation, avoiding judgment, or trying to preempt misunderstandings. Recognize that over-explaining is often a defense mechanism rooted in a false sense of stability and control. It's an attempt to manage how others perceive you, but it can be mentally and emotionally draining, and have a negative impact on your interactions and relationships.
To break this habit, begin by practicing assertive communication. This means expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs clearly and confidently, without feeling the need to provide excessive details or justifications. Trust that what you share is enough. Start with small steps, like responding to questions with concise answers and resisting the urge to elaborate unless necessary. Communicating in a better, more serving way is a learning curve, just like over-explaining was when you first started doing it, but this time, instead of communicating from a place of trauma, lack and defense, you’ll be doing it from a more healthy state.
Remember that it's okay to leave some things unsaid. Embrace the discomfort that might come with this change—it's a sign that you're stepping out of your comfort zone and growing. Over time, assertive communication will feel more natural, and you'll find that you can convey your message effectively without over-explaining – and you’ll start requiring fewer details from others too!
I’m Kim Keane, coach and energy healer, and I’d love to help you transform your life, your relationships and ultimately build a path toward a loving, peaceful life. DM me or email me at kim@kimkeane.com if you want to get personalized support, download my Free Everyday Spirituality Handbook or get my EFT Tapping Booster Session to continue making progress on your healing journey!