The Hidden Roots of Perfectionism: How Childhood Shapes Our Struggles and Path to Healing
Have you ever wondered how our childhood experiences shape our need for perfection? Perfectionism is a huge issue in our society, and more people struggle with it than we realize. We push ourselves to be flawless and meet these impossible standards. Have you ever really stopped to think about why there is such a strong desire to be perfect? Is it because we live in a high-achieving culture, or is there something more at play?
I've met countless people who are perpetual high achievers, and let me tell you, that’s absolutely glorified in some families and/or professional environments. They're always pushing themselves to be better, faster, stronger–just like that Daft Punk song– and I was one of those people.
Here's how that came to be for me—and I know many will relate:
My perfectionistic tendencies started from the beliefs I developed about myself all the way back in my early childhood. I had a stepmom in the picture, and I really felt like I was being replaced by her and that my dad loved her more than he loved me. So, without really realizing it, I went into "perfection mode," thinking that would be the way I could get attention, be loved, or be noticed.
This trait carried into college as well, because I was in a relationship with an abusive high school boyfriend. I didn't go to college right out of high school because of that relationship, and during that time, I was labeled as the black sheep, the rebel, the defiant teenager. All these negative labels were put upon me because of that relationship.
When the relationship ended, I felt like I had to prove that I wasn't that person. So, I went into perfectionistic overdrive. When I eventually started college at 21, and later at a traditional college at 23, I was anywhere from three to five years older than most of the kids in my class. This made me feel insecure because I thought I should be farther along by then.
I wanted to prove not just to myself but to my parents, peers, and professors that I was smart, capable, and not the black sheep or rebel I had been labeled. I took 16 credits a semester, pulled all straight A's, and only had maybe two B's my entire time at college.
Finally, one of my professors pulled me aside and asked why I was striving for perfection. She told me I didn't need to prove myself to anyone because she and my other professors saw my potential. Hearing this was reassuring and brought me to tears. It permitted me to pump the brakes on trying to be perfect and just show up and do good work without the pressure of being flawless.
Sandy's Story: Perfectionism in Everyday Life
Let me tell you about Sandy, a client of mine who is a perfectionist when it comes to her outfits and office space. Now that she's an empty nester, she has multiple closets in her house, each specific for a certain type of clothing. She's a huge football fan, so she has all her football outfits in one closet, her black and white work clothes in another, and her pink and purple work clothes in yet another. Everything has to match perfectly, down to the color of her shoes and accessories.
Sandy also maintains a perfectionist office space, with specific notebooks and pens placed just so. If anything is slightly out of place, it sends her into sheer panic mode. It might seem obsessive and picky for some, but this behavior is not really a preference and stems from her childhood, where she had parents who suffered from alcoholism and drug addiction, marital problems, divorce, and step-parents in the picture. Many things in her childhood felt out of control, so she turned to perfectionistic behaviors to feel a sense of control.
Our work together focused on ensuring that her perfectionism was still serving her and recognizing where she could let go a little. She learned that things could still be just right without being perfect.
Darlene's Story: Perfectionism and Creativity
Now, let me tell you about Darlene, my mom. She grew up in an extremely abusive household and foster care system and experienced extreme poverty. She was taken from her parents by the state when she was around 10 and placed in foster care, where she also experienced abuse and lack. This led her to believe she wasn't good enough, lovable, or worthy, driving her into extreme perfectionism.
My mom is an amazing quilter, but she doesn't see her gift. She's quick to point out flaws in her projects, even though no one else can see them. She strives for perfection in everything she does, from family outings to home decor. If something isn't perfect, she beats herself up, thinking she could have done better.
The Underlying Desire for Worthiness
These stories illustrate how our childhood experiences impact us in adulthood. The moment everything can change is when we realize that we're not trying to be the best; we're actually wanting to feel worthy. We are perfectionists because we want to feel worthy and prove we are enough. We're trying to embrace the scars of our childhood trauma, which can be liberating and terrifying at the same time.
Recognizing why we're perfectionists is the first step. The next step is to embark on the journey of healing and personal growth. It means acknowledging the wounds of our past, working through buried emotions, and developing a more loving and accepting relationship with ourselves. It's not easy—I've been there, done that—but it's necessary if we want to be free from the shackles of perfectionism.
Tips to Find Worth Within and Overcome Perfectionism
Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a friend. Acknowledge your struggles without judgment.
Set Realistic Goals: Instead of aiming for perfection, set achievable and realistic goals. Celebrate small victories and progress along the way.
Embrace Imperfection: Recognize that mistakes and imperfections are a natural part of life. They are opportunities for growth and learning.
Mindfulness and Meditation: Practice mindfulness to stay present and aware of your thoughts and feelings. Meditation can help reduce stress and promote self-awareness.
Seek Support: Surround yourself with supportive friends and family who understand your journey. Consider seeking professional help if needed.
Challenge Negative Beliefs: Identify and challenge the negative beliefs and thoughts that fuel your perfectionism. Replace them with positive and affirming statements.
Create a Gratitude Journal: Keep a journal to write down things you are grateful for and your achievements, no matter how small. This can help shift your focus from perfection to appreciation.
If you found this helpful in any way, please feel free to share it with a friend who could also benefit from it, and if you want more support and you're fairly new to your healing journey, be sure to watch my video on the importance of self-compassion while on your journey.
I’m Kim Keane, coach and energy healer, and I’d love to help you transform your life, your relationships and ultimately build a path toward a loving, peaceful life. DM me or email me at kim@kimkeane.com if you want to get personalized support, download my Free Everyday Spirituality Handbook or get my EFT Tapping Booster Session to continue making progress on your healing journey!